1. It’s all fun and games until someone loses an uncle- So you’re flipping around thinking, “Yep, this is the best time of my life, nothing can go wrong” True, until you decide to be a dick which is where karma kicks in like a bitch and takes out a loved one. There is no way to prevent that. You're gonna be a dick and there's no stopping that. What you should do is take out huge life insurances on all your loved ones. It won’t matter that you can barely pay the premium; when your uncle kicks the bucket, you’ll be swimming in easy money. “Oh god, the humanity. why’d I have to be such a whiny bitch?” Oh yeah, that fat check coming in.2. Never trust the mentor- I know what you’re thinking. “He taught me everything I know, why’d he want to kill me?” ‘Cause you’re being a bitch that’s why. “Oh my uncle’s dead” or “Oh I’m not an executioner” He’s gonna be “Grow a pair, ya puss, or better yet how about you join me so you hopefully become less of a puss and we rule the world together.” Except, you’re a puss, and you’re not going to. However, in this moment of the mentor’s weakness, take a gun and put two between the eyes. Two, because, odds are that fucker’s gonna live through the first one, and if you’ve only put in one, he’ll come back and make sure he’s impenetrable to bullets. No one gets up after two to the head.
3. Your friends are idiots- Where’d you find them? I got no clue. You say the end of the bus, but I’m pretty sure that compared to most buses, that place is the middle, if you get what I’m saying. They ride the short bus; they’re retarded. That’s what I’m saying. This is both a strength and a weakness. Strength being that you can be your normal self around them, then save their dumb ass when they get stuck in the tree and calm them down using the same exact voice, and they will never put two and two together. And I already stated the weakness; they’ll get themselves kidnapped for the 15th fucking time and you’ll wonder why the fuck they didn’t invest in a body guard or a taser or at least some fucking mace. Which brings me to number 4.
4. Your villains have no imagination whatsoever and are also fucking morons.- They might have an ingenious plan to kill you, but it’s the same fucking plan. “Yeah I’m gonna capture the dude’s girlfriend as to lure him into our trap.” Well, what’s the trap? Just kill him? How? He has fucking superpowers; what are you going to do, point a gun at her head and beat him to a bloody pulp? Eventually self-preservation’s going to kick in and say “kill the bitch, that way you two can have something in common in about 30 seconds.” Stick to fighting convenience store robbers: at least they have a reason to be unimaginative.
5. Never leave a paper trail to your other identity- You’re poor. You see an ad offering fat cash for pictures of the vigilante of the city aka you. You’re thinking “easy money.” No. Not so easy. Sure it is now. But then the villain comes on your (the “by day” ego) doorstep demanding where the fuck is the vigilante (refer to #4 in that they are fucking morons and also can’t put two and two together unless they see you put on the mask/ take it off with their own goddamn eyes) showing a paper with your name on the picture. Yep, you fail again. Because you should have had that life insurance plan when your uncle died and then you wouldn’t have needed that picture money.
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