Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Babylon A.D.- Nothing I Write Will Prepare You

Before I go, I have to say a few things about my reviews. I believe that it's all about expectation. Go in low enough, and anything can be good. And vice-versa. For that reason, I usually go into a movie with little expectation and give mostly positive reviews with the worst being "I'm never seeing it again, but I don't mind that I spent an hour and a half in there."

This is the exception. (Saving Private Ryan Spoiler later on. I'm going to go ahead and assume you don't care about this waste of celluloid. If you do, don't.)

Dear. God. Where to start? Let's go with the good. There was a decent idea in there. For the first two acts, it's straight up cyberpunk. Instead of a paper passport, you inject nanomachines in your body. Commercialization everywhere, such as Coca-cola owning an airline. But they threw that down the shitter around the beginning of the third act, but more on that later. But it's party for that reason that I hate it even more. I love cyberpunk. Ghost in the Shell, the first Matrix. Anyone serious getting into cyberpunk should see Ghost in the Shell and the series it's based off of, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex (not a continuance, but an alternate time-line kind of deal). That is some really good stuff, and a conversation about another day. Would I love to see more of it? Hell yes. This mistreated? Fuck no. And since this thing has completed bombed critically already, it's going to be harder for better, well thought out cyberpunk scripts to be made. I'm hesitant for the recently announced GITS live-action movie to say the least.

The bad. Hmmm...

Oh yes. Vin Disel. Don't get me wrong. When the man acts, the guy can act. I mean, whatever happened to Saving Private Ryan? It's like a fucking analogy for his entire career. Still hasn't put himself back together again like The Iron Giant did. I want that to be the analogy for his next role. Because I have no idea what made him do this. Apparently the script was good the first time, until the producers fucked it up, so maybe that's why he did it. But once he got the new script he went, "Save [the movie]. What for?" What for, indeed. He and everyone else looked like they did it for the money. But compared to the girl he's supposed to transport, he's looks fucking Oscar worthy (then again, that might be because of the whole disability thing. Wait, he actually talks like that? Nevermind. Low blow, I know *shrug*).

Aurora is, by far, the most annoying creature to have ever graced a screen. From her on out she'll be called Jar Jar Tam (JJT) because it's like they took the insanity of River Tam and the STFU annoyance of Jar Jar and fused them DBZ style, thus making both their traits 10 fold stronger. Here's a line of dialogue- "We protected each other like a family. We're all going to die in New York." The fuck?! Oh and get this, whenever Vin kills someone, JJT makes a shrill worse than nails on a chalkboard come out of her ungodly mouth. It's like you're in the stadium watching Barry Bonds hit a homer, then a guy taps you on the back going "You know he's not natural, right?" No, no I didn't. I didn't notice the pictures of Barry 20 years ago and Barry squared now the 50 fucking times they showed it on Sportscenter. But a more "The fuck?!"" moment is towards the end on the day that Vin dies (his name is Toorop, but I feel even more silly typing that out). JJT says "I need you to live" then proceeds to shoot him in the chest, thus killing him. The fuck?

Now we get to the crippling beginning of the 3rd act. Now, admittedly, I was like "You know, this is pretty mediocre, but it's not comepletely unwatchable." Oh how naive I was. Just a fair warning about the complete idiocracy of this moment, even though this sentence will not prepare you for the huge shit your brain will have after you read the next sentence. Apparently JJT's "father" was kicked out of the medical/religious (they never specify I didn't care enough to verify) society for trying to put artificial intelligence in babies.

Still here? Didn't have an epileptic fit? I wish I could add something to that but I can't. I'm going to try. ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE? IN BABIES?




And that's pretty much word for word. Maybe if they had worded it better it wouldn't have been so "left side of the brain looks at the right side of the brain and says 'it's dark in here, and we may die,' " but still. That is mind numbingly awful. I'd rather see a slightly shitty snowmobile action scene than hear that, oh wait, I had my cake and ate it too. Fuck.

Not sure if you got that, but save your money for a book. And save your brain cells for an alcholic stupor not that I support binge drinking.


Fernando said...

To be fare the part where she kills Vin is actually significant to later events for him actually living. The major loop hole, however, is that there was no way in hell she knew her father would revive him. SHE WASNT EVEN SURE IF HE WAS ALIVE!!! Not to forget that there was no way in hell she knew what he did for a living. As annoying as she was on screen my vote for most God awful character ever still goes to freaking Rachel Ferrier (Dakota Fanning) from War of the Worlds....I still wear ear plugs to sleep from all her freaking screaming.

P.S. Blogg Franny? Good idea my friend. At least something positive came out of that shizer movie.....now does this mean I dont have to pay for the next movie anymore?

Francis Bello said...

Umm....yes, you still do. But now you're getting more bang for your buck.